he referred to my room as the tit cave...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
