i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
