I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
