haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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