I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
