The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
