How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
