You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
