At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
