i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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