Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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