She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
