I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
