My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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