i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
