im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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