I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
