I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
