Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
