You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
