I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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