I must be too annoying 4 u.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Randomize
