well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
