turn off your phone and go to bed
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED