I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
