Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
