next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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