There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
