When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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