So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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