I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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