I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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