I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
