btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
