There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
