Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
