just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
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We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
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I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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