I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
