just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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