All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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