my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
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