just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
