We're like a lot better than the average bears
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Pants are for mortals
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
