Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
