You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
My feet surprised me
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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