3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Randomize
