you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
