Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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