Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
