I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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