Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
