she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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