I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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