Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
