you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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