I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i think my mom watched the whole time
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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