Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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