You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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