Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
